Tomorrow is the big day. the day I find out if I am pregnant. For the third time. Unplanned--for the third time. Three years ago i would have been brimming with excitement, wishing and hoping. Now I say that I am 90% sure that I am, and the other 10% is just denial. i cannot believe, until there is undeniable proof. i was utterly unconvinced by the ambiguous home test results. both of them.
don't get me wrong, i love both of my kids. and, like I said, three or four years ago I was trying desperately to convince my husband that having a third kid might be fun. flash forward and i am WAY past diaper changing, my little guy is a first-grader and I am over my wild ideas that we should be a party of five.
so, here's the deal. i could be totally wrong about my whole situation, but i am so horribly symptomatic, that i hope i AM pregnant. if I'm not now, then there is something seriously wrong with me: ravenous hunger alternating with persistent nausea, constipation (sorry), ever-present indigestion (already! I mean, enough with the burping and hiccuping. seriously) and utter exhaustion. what else COULD it be?
the fact of the matter is, in the end, I will be alright. there will be a beautiful baby and so much to do, i will forget all about these worrisome days. and if i am wrong? well, so i will eat some crow and laugh at myself later.
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